Consistency is Key (and it’s not what you think).

Consistency is one of the most under rated tools that we have as parents.

It is also something that when I speak to families they will very often say we are consistent with our bedtime routine.

But when I look at the sleep diaries this is often one of the things that is very clear that is not happening.

So what does consistency actually mean?

Same Order, Same Timings, Every Night

Consistency means the same order of activities each night for the bedtime routine. This includes timings — so if your ideal sleep time is 7pm, then bedtime routine should start no earlier than 6:20pm. That has to be the same EVERY night, obviously apart from times when the circumstances don't allow, such as family holidays, family parties etc.

So this doesn't mean that on a normal week, bedtime routine on Monday starts at 6:20, Tuesday it starts at 7pm, Wednesday it's 5:30pm and so on. This is super confusing for little ones and can lead to bedtime battles even though you keep the same order of activities within the bedtime routine — the timings are not the same.

It goes against their need for predictability, which gives them the sense of feeling safe and secure.

How They Fall Asleep Initially Is How They Should Be Supported Every Time

How they go to sleep initially is how they should be supported to sleep for EVERY waking, out with night feeds. So, if you rock your little one to sleep, do this for every waking. This is CONSISTENCY.

Whereas if you rock them to sleep at first, then wake 1 you feed them to sleep, wake 2 you try to settle them in their own sleep space, wake 3 you try to rock them to sleep, wake 4 you take them into bed with you — this is NOT consistency! You are consistently there supporting them, but not in the way that you are doing it.

This can create more night wakings, unwanted co-sleeping, bedtime battles, early wakings, nap challenges.

Give It Time — At Least 3 Nights

Looking to change things after 1 night didn't go so well is another one. Change takes time — it should be tried for at least 3 nights to support your little one to know what is happening, and how they are going to be comforted.

Again, changing things too quickly causes confusion and frustration for both the little one and the parent. If you are struggling to remember what you are trying new tonight, then imagine how a baby/toddler would feel, as they don't know why or how things are different AGAIN!

This can lead to bedtime battles, feeling insecure in their sleep environment, separation anxiety, frequent night wakings, early wakings.

Hold Steady With Your Boundaries

This can often be the hardest part. If you are looking to stop, for example, co-sleeping, taking them out in the car to sleep, rocking to sleep etc, then this is a boundary. This can be put into place lovingly and done whilst being highly supportive.

If you cross that boundary, this signals to your child that you will give in, and therefore that boundary no longer exists. They will continue to do as they normally do, as they know that you will resort back to the default. If you do this for 1 or 2 nights then try to go to where you were 2 nights ago, they will continue to push back as, to them, you will continue to cross that boundary.

You must stick to your boundary — this is something that children need in order to thrive. If they are unclear, then a little one becomes confused and frustrated, leading to feelings of uncertainty. This leads to feelings of insecurity in their sleep space, which can lead to the same as mentioned above.

The Cycle We're Trying to Break

This can be a cycle of trying one thing one night, doesn't work, next night try something else, doesn't work, little one becomes frustrated and confused, bedtime battles, frequent night wakings, parents exhausted, parents at breaking point, relationship is being tested — and round and round we go.

Consistency is key to support all of this.

It is great to try something new if what you are doing is currently not working for you and your little one. BUT you need to give it enough time to see if it is actually helping. Giving up after 1 or 2 nights is not enough time to make a judgement on the success of something.

You've Got This

Staying consistent isn't easy, and there will be nights it feels harder than others. That's completely normal, and it doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong.

Every time you hold that same routine, respond in the same way, and stick to your boundary, you are giving your little one something incredibly valuable — the security of knowing what to expect. That consistency you're building tonight is what makes tomorrow night, and the night after that, that little bit easier.

You don't need to get it perfect. You just need to keep showing up in the same way, night after night. That's more than enough.